Ok, so my DH and I filled out the NICHQ and I got two from 2 of our son’s last years’ teachers… one who had a devil of a time with him, and one that wasn’t a favorite teacher, but didn’t have huge probs either. The teachers gave them back to me to give to the dr, so I was able to see their responses.

I found info about how to score the checlists online but it made me even more confused. Guess they’re designed for medical professionals, not regular folks like me.

Which Disorder does he have, if any… Attention Deficit? Oppositional Defiant? General Anxiety? Or some other comorbidity [which sounds like something related to death to me but apparently means co-existing condition]?

Altho the teacher he had most probs with scored him high in ODD categories we don’t see a lot of oppositional type behavior at home… he’s generally very cooperative. [Maybe bc we tiptoe around him?] But he can be a real stubborn little shit and will say no to something that he likes even just because he’s in a ‘no’ mood. I’m trying to figure out when that happens and it seems to be when his back’s up against the wall he can’t think straight and the only thing he can do is buck up. Is that ODD??

I’d say GAO and some OCD and maybe ADD and because of those things sometimes reacts like ODD. Wonder of that makes any sense. And how in the world do you treat that? If the anxiety levels were lower (which may come from better attention bc then he’d not be in trouble - or he’d be able to pay attention better if there’s less anxiety) I think the frustration, aka the ODDish behavior would be lower too.

Well we have an appt tomorrow so we’ll see what the dr says.

I ordered the Total Transformation Program (TTP), a series of audio lessons for people who are “trying to parent a defiant, out of control child”. Mine isn’t defiant or out of control all the time, but he is sometimes, and since there’s a 30 day return policy I thought what the heck. They are selling this program, a workbook and a set of ~10 audio CDs for $300, and I tried not to think about how much it costs them to generate the materials and what kind of profit they’re making.  When I received it I quick listened to all the CDs, then I plan to go back with the workbook and listen more carefully. A lot of the things seem to apply to REALLY out of control kids, and mine isn’t quite that. He’ll happily take out the trash, or cut the grass, or pull weeds when asked. But he won’t do English homework. Anyway, I did learn a couple of things…

kids with low self esteem and low problem solving abilities hang out with low performing kids because then there’s not much expectation of them. My husband keeps asking our son why he always hangs out with hoodlums- that may be why.

when my son wants to negotiate/argue, I will turn and walk away. Even if huffing and puffing continue while I’m walking away, I won’t turn back around- I will keep walking.

I need to keep my emotions out of it. My husband and I are creating a product, a well-functioning contributing adult, and the things I do help or hinder the process.

rewards include things he bought himself, like his ipod. if he doesn’t do a certain thing (like English homework) it should be will be taken away.

my dear 14 year old son has been seeing a counselor for about 6 months… and he recently recommended we visit the pediatrician and ask her about meds for general anxiety disorder. We went to see her, all 3 of us, and shared what’s been going on. Avoidance of [some] schoolwork, defensiveness, inability to get started on larger tasks or projects… I was surprised - pleasantly so- that he shared honestly. And she gave us screening instruments for ADD. I thought ADD = hyperactivity, but that’s apparently the one with the ‘H’ in it (go figure) and kids with ADD have a difficult time focusing their attention. She asked him if the teachers he got along with would nicely remind him to get back to work during the day and he said yes. The teachers he didn’t get along with weren’t willing to do so and just got mad at him. She said other things, like ODD and OCD can come along with ADD. I tend to agree with the counselor that it’s more anxiety than attention, because I’ve seen him freak out about really unimportant things like what pants to wear. But I am glad we’ve got the process started, and glad that he’s ok with the idea of finding out what’s going on.

Last week I went upstairs when my son was in the shower, and as I walked past his room I thought I smelled something. I opened his door and smelled it stronger, coming from the bathroom, where the shower was running. I flung open the bathroom door and there was my dear sweet 14 year old smoking pot buck naked on the pot. Did he want to get caught? Is he so naive to think we wouldn’t notice?? And does he think we’re going to teach him how to drive when he turns 15 next month?!? He said he got it from a friend and has only done it a couple of times and won’t do it again, but he doesn’t sound very repentant. He’s grounded, or under house arrest as it were, and he can’t close his bedroom door (his dad’s idea). We’re going to buy drug tests to test him from time to time and are going to sign him up for a substance abuse awareness class. I’m afraid he’s self-medicating to calm his anxiety, and am glad we have an appt with the pediatrician to see about prescribed, supervised meds. I am tempted to tell him I’ll call the cops if it’s in my house again but I don’t know if I’ll be able to actually do it ….

After working on it, from purchase to plans to destruction to construction, for 2 YEARS we’re finally moved into the house. Yay! http://housetales.wordpress.com/

the other night our daughter went out to a movie, came home a little before 1, said goodnight then closed our door. About an hour later my DH couldn’t sleep so he came out to the couch. At 4am he was awakened by our dear 17 yr old daughter coming into the house through the dog door. She said a friend had called drunk and she had to walk to where she was then drive her home. Maybe true, maybe not. If that really happened it’s sad that she felt like she couldn’t ask us to drive her rather than her walking thru town at 1 or 2am. And the day before I was telling our son that he had to earn trust by making good choices. We used to say that when they were 2, but all of the sudden it’s really really important, and they seem to have the reasoning power of that 2 yr old. Her puishment? She had to get up at 7am (after getting in at 4) to go work at the house with my DH, and her activities are limited to school-related only. She’s very lucky that he buys the idea that prom (and getting ready for prom, and going to post prom) are “school related activities”.

I hate to ask what’s next…..

ok i’ve stopped nagging my son to get his work done. So he’s stopped doing it. His grades this last period will likely be Fs across the board- I’ll be surprised if they’re not. When is he going to start to care? And what do I do if he never does? Sure, 8th grade marks don’t mean a whole lot, but what the heck, when the heck is it gonna click?! My DH would like to beat him into doing it. The counselor would like us to focus less on grades and more on the kid, look for the good things. He’s a good kid who won’t do what he’s supposed to… ?

my daughter is not wanting to be at home when dad is there. She’s going to college in 4 months, and maybe it’s part of the separation process and as such I shouldn’t worry too much about it. But it makes me sad, because I felt that way about my dad and we still don’t have a great relationship. I don’t want home to be a negative place for her, or for any of us. And she’s right, he can be a pain in the butt and is so much more so when he’s stressed, which he is now. And she’s going to leave me @ home with him which makes me sad too.

my 8th grade son found an old bottle of crown and thought it would be interesting to add it to gatorade, which he did. He told a girl in his class about it. She asked him to bring her some to school, so he did. She drank it- he did not. Someone found the empty gatorade bottle in the garbage and he was pulled into the office. He said he brought it, he drank it and nobody else was involved. The girl had never done anything to get in trouble at school. She has a very controlling - and wealthy- mother. He didn’t want her to get in trouble at school or at home. But she fessed up so they both got in trouble. Her mom went ballastic. She made her daughter take a pregnancy test, saying if she couldn’t trust her with alcohol she couldn’t trust her with anything. She threatened us with lawsuits. I understand the immediate freaking out, I really do, but not long-term.

We visited with the girls dad and he was disappointed and worried but realistic that kids to stupid things. I went to see the girls mom and she spewed hatred all over me. I was gracious and I took it. She had just been hit with the reality that she really couldn’t control her kid and was scared to death and taking it out on me. I listened to her hatred and didn’t give it back. I asked if there was anything I could do for her and she said get your kid out of that school. I said well thanks for visiting with me and left.

It could’ve been a great learning opportunity for both kids- if I was the girls mom I’d have my son over for dinner and let him look my husband in the eye and feel the discomfort of owning up. I’d have him volunteer at the mom’s business every day after school. I’d have them both do a presentation at school about the dangers of underage drinking. She just wanted my evil son away from her daughter, immediately and permanently.

The school response was initially to suspend them both for 2 days. After the two days when I called to see what the next steps were I was told that my son should voluntarily withdraw from the school. I asked if he did not would he be expelled and was told, well yes. I’d have hoped for more - I kept thinking who is going to cast the first stone- from a Christian school but there we were. We didn’t want him to go to another school for 6 weeks, but also didn’t want to exasperate the situation for the girl. So we asked if the school would allow us to have him do his work from home and finish the last 6 weeks of 8th grade and they said yes. We learned later than the girl’s mother said if the school didn’t remove my son she’d pull her daughter- and her fund-raising efforts, and the school would rather lose us than her.

Ultimately I did what the mom asked, and by now, a month later, she could’ve made a phone call to me. We’re going to run into each other at end of the year events, since our daughter is still at that school, and its going to be awkward. I know in my heart that we did the right thing but on the surface - and to my kids- it looks like if you have money and power you can bully people around.

It’s exhausting to try to read between the lines and try to figure out what my DH is saying. He’s been speaking english for over 30 years and generally does so very well, but that’s part of the problem I think. He doesn’t seem to ever say what he really means. Or maybe he does and I just don’t wanna hear it?

Here are some common phrases and [my translation].

Guess I’m the only one who knows how to take out the trash. [will you/he/she pls take out the trash?]

You got home early- and you didn’t even come to help me. [I would've appreciated it if you would've come to help me]

I see you’re messing with the computer. Guess you don’t have homework. [Do you have homework?]

I guess I’ll go work all by myself then. [Will you/he/she come with me?]

It’s sad that a 50 yr old with carpel tunnel has to move 11 doors by himself without help of his 14 yr old son [will he/she/you pls come help me] or [it makes me angry that I had to move doors all alone]

Working from home, huh. Must be nice [I don't even know what this means. Maybe it really does mean 'it's cool that you can work from home' altho it doesn't feel like that when it's said]

You don’t need to go to church. Charity begins at home. [I feel neglected when you go to church and leave me at home]

Should I stop trying to translate and take them at face value? If so I sound like a real prick… “no, all of us know how to take out the trash”. But I prob sound like a prick anyway when I say “I’ll take out the trash” and do so with huffiness and attitude bc of the way I was/wasn’t asked…